Blacks and Blues

Mommy says that boys and girls handle stuff differently, like ‘emotional’ stuff.  (Emotional stuff is the stuff that makes you feel happy and sad and angry, if you didn’t know.  That’s what Mommy told me, and Mommy’s always right.)  She says the boys try to punch away the emotional stuff and the girls try and torture it out of themselves.  I asked her what torture is.  She says torture is being covered by blacks and blues on your skin and underneath it.  I asked her how she knows that blacks and blues on the inside are actually black and blue if you can’t see them.  She says they hurt the same, just different.  (It didn’t make sense, but I nodded all the same because Mommy’s smart and if I’m a smart, nice, and good girl, I get to eat dessert and I don’t want Mommy to think I’m not a smart, nice, and good girl.)  She says Kaden won’t get better until he learns to ‘talk’ (which confuses me because he’s fourteen and clearly already knows how to talk).  She says his blacks and blues won’t go away until he learns to ‘talk’ instead of punch.

            I asked her if Kaden’s sick.  She says that Kaden’s sad.  I asked her why Kaden’s sad.  She says there are lots of things that make Kaden sad.  (Then my brain made the frowny face it makes when the colors get all mixed up, but this time it was because I don’t understand why Kaden’s sad and he has blacks and blues but when I’m sad I don’t have blacks and blues.)  Mommy says that it’s because when Kaden feels sad, he gets into trouble and hits people when he’s not supposed to.  (This was very bad news because Mommy told me to never hit my friends even when I really want to.)  Mommy says one day I’ll be able to understand why Kaden doesn’t play with me anymore and I’ll be able to understand what it’s like to torture myself every day in front of the mirror and torture myself about what my friends things and torture myself when I feel all by myself.  (That does not sound fun, but I don’t tell Mommy that because it sounds like very grown-up stuff and I want to show Mommy that I can understand the grown-up talk, too.)

            Sesame Street was on, so I told Mommy that we could finish our grown-up talk later.  Cookie Monster was waiting to show me all the cookies I could eat and more if I was a smart, nice and good girl.  Sesame Street is very important.  Grown-up talks will have to wait.

            Mommy got up off her knees and began to walk towards the kitchen (hopefully to start making some cookies).  Then, I thought of something.

            “Mommy,” I asked, “is Henry coming over?”  Henry always gave me candy.  He’d sneak it past my mom so then I’d get to have two desserts!  Mommy stopped.  She turned around.  She looked at me.  She walked back over and got back on her knees so the top of her head reached the top of my head.

            “Do you know how it feels when you fall off your tricycle and scrape your knee?”  Mommy says.

            “Ouchie,” I said.

            “That’s right,” she said, giving me a small smile.  “Now, if a car was going faster than a tricycle--”

            “Faster than a tricycle?” I asked.  I was the fastest tricycler around.  Nobody was faster than me on a tricycle!

            “Yes, honey, faster than a tricycle.  Like I was saying, if a car was going very, very fast and something happened to the car that made it fall over like a tricycle, you could get a lot more blacks and blues than if you fell off your tricycle.”

            “Even more blacks and blues than Kaden?”

            “Even more blacks and blues than Kaden.”

            “Ouchie,” I said.

            “Double ouchie,” she agreed.  “Well, honey, Henry got in a triple ouchie accident and he had so many blacks and blues that he fell asleep.”

            “Fell asleep?”

            “Yes, sweetheart, he fell asleep.  Do you remember when we went to the church and Kaden was very, very sad?”

            “Yeah, I had to wear the black dress.  It was so so so itchy.”

            “Good memory; you’re a smart girl.”  I beamed.  “But Kaden was very sad because Henry was asleep.”

            “Why didn’t he just wake Henry up?”

            “Henry didn’t want to be woken up.  He had too many blacks and blues.  Can you imagine having lots and lots scrapes on your knees from falling off your tricycle?”

            “Million billion trillion ouchie!”

            “Yes, a million billion trillion ouchie.  You’re getting quite good at your numbers.”

            “I know!  I can count to a million billion trillion for you!  1...2...4...3...6…”

            “Very good!  You’re quite the big girl, now.  But can you just think about how Henry not waking up would make Kaden very sad?”

            “Henry is Kaden’s best friend.”

            “That’s right.  Now what if one day you wanted to watch Sesame Street on the TV and the TV didn’t work.  Would you be sad?”

            “No Cookie Monster?”  The thought made tears come to my eyes.

            “No Cookie Monster.  That is how sad Kaden feels times a million billion trillion.”

            I was in awe.  Kaden must have a lot of emotional stuff to “punch out” if he feels sad times a million billion trillion.  I couldn’t imagine life without Cookie Monster.

            I looked at the floor.  “So, Henry’s not coming over today?”

            “No.”

            “And he’s not bringing candy?”

            “No.”

            “I think I miss Henry.”

            “Your brother does, too.  He doesn’t know what to do when he feels so sad and that’s why he comes home with blacks and blues.  He doesn’t know what to do with all of his emotional stuff.”

Then, I heard the rumble that says the big yellow bumblebee bus is here with Kaden on it.  A long while later (Kaden’s very slow--I’m faster than him), Kaden came in the door and Mommy went to take off his coat.

“Mommy?” I asked.

“Hm?” she replied.

“Are you going to make cookies?”

“Yes, I suppose I can.”

Then, I went up to Kaden and looked up at his face with his black and blues.

“Kaden,” I said.

“Yeah, sis?” he said, his voice a weird mix between Kaden and the Grouch (Mommy says

that’s because Kaden’s growing up).

“After dinner, for dessert, you can have my cookie.”

He smiled a little down at me, “Oh?  Why’s that?  You going to try and get me to do your chores for you again?”

“No,” I said very matter-of-factly, “Because you’re sad and have blacks and blues because of Henry and I don’t want you to be sad and have blacks and blues because of Henry so I’m going to give you my cookie so you will be happy and not have to punch out your emotional stuff.”

Kaden looked at me, kind of stunned.  Then, he wrapped me in a hug.  “Mommy says you’re a smart, nice and good girl.  Mommy’s always right.”

-Suzanne